She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
