My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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