Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
