idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
