why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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