mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
