You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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