My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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