whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
