I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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