Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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