he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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