why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize