i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
