Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
