i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
