fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
