The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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