You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
