I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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