Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
