You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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