I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
