I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
