if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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