I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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