i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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