So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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