why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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