I want to have your abortion
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
