How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
