I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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