so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
