so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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