she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
