what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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