its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She announced her abortion via fbk
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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