He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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