just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
