Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize