I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
