I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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