I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
