went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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