I can tuck mytits in my pants
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
