ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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