the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
