we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
