I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
