my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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