He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She told me I should be a condom model.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
