I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
