hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
