So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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