He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
