hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
