it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
