I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
