No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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