I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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