was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
