Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
