My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
