Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
