He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
