Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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