i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
