Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize