My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
