it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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